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DemonLordDestinote

She finally pulled the trigger..
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Come back...

1 min read

Mentor is never coming back. I need him. This isn't fair. I didn't do anything. He promised he'd never leave, then he up and left, with no proper reasoning. I just want to shoot myself so I don't have to think about him anymore. Every second of every day...every night in my dreams...I think about him and I can't stop. What we had was perfect. He was perfect. I guess perfection really is overrated. He just seemed so sincere... I wish I could lie that well. Maybe he was. Maybe he meant every word but something just snapped in him. I mean, I get it. He's fed up with me. Hell, I would be too. He doesn't know how much this is killing me. I think he'd kill himself out of guilt if he gave a damn. 

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Sunshine

2 min read

Yeah, no, I can't get you out of my head. I gave you everything, and you fed me a crap load of lies. Congratulations, Mentor, your precious Sunshine is dead. Are you pleased, Sir? Are you proud of me? Look...I'm being so strong...

I think I'm about ready to say "Fuck it" and end it all right here, right now. I'm putting on a brave face for those around me, but in honesty, this is the lowest I've ever been. The deepest I've ever cut. The longest I've ever cried. What would he say if I told him that it's all his fault? I bet he'd punch me in the gut then tell me to stop being a whiny bitch. But you know, that's the usual between us. One minute it's a tickle fight, then I'm on the ground being kicked in the ribs. I don't think we ever really had a proper, steady friendship. We talked a lot, he yelled a lot, I cried a lot, and he never cared. He didn't give a fuck the entire time. I thought I could trust him... No. I'm never opening up to anyone again. He cut me from ear to ear, and that is my smile. Brave face, Destiny. No one cares anyway.

Damn it all... Why am I so sad because of this? I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of him. I wish I could just forget about him. No...no I don't. I loved what we had. Even if it was just yelling and hurting. It was something. Something I'll never get back.

"And that's when you shot through my heart. Well you had me right from the start. A critical shot to the heart. Now my whole world's fallin apart. 'Cause you shot me straight through the heart. You broke my heart and threw it on the floor, saying I'm not gonna come back no more..."

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Dear Master,

    I'm done. Like...fuck. Three years. Gone. We were friends for three fucking years. I know things about you no one else knows, and you know me better than anyone else. I thought what we had was real... That...all you said was true. Oh God I was mistaken. So. Fucking. Mistaken. "I'll always be there for you." Where are you now? You ran away when I needed you most. "I promise." You broke every single one. "Everything will be okay." That's easier to believe when you have someone to fall back on. "All I want to do is help you." How is emotionally destroying me helpful? "Fuck you, you insignificant whore." That's the Andre I know. The real Andre. "I'm tired of dealing with your bitching." I just wanted to let it out. "I'm sorry." Then why do you keep doing it? And my favorite quote from the almighty Mentor: "I don't care if you cry, cut, or tie a noose while you tell me, but you WILL tell me." ...what happened to not wanting me to bitch? Don't even get me started on that "love" crap. Yeah, love is totally destroying your significant other. 

    My boyfriend moved to Washington, my best friend moved to California, and now you...abandoning me... You're just like everyone else... No, I'm sorry. I didn't mean that. I guess what I'm trying to say all-in-all, is that it hurts. You know the feeling... I know you do. You know what it's like to be rejected by everyone. But...still...you do it yourself. I'm just praying no one else has to go through what you put me through. A roller-coaster relationship. Love, hate, love, hate, love, hate. It's never ending. But I don't want to get off the ride. For some stupid reason, I just can't seem to let you go. I know I need to. I know you're just tearing me apart at the seems but I let you. Maybe I want you to. Even if you're hurting me, you're still there. I can still feel your presence. I still see you every night in my dreams. Your sweet, loving side some nights, your evil, sadistic side others.

    I...thought we were friends. All along, I knew it would come to this. No one has ever put up with me for so long. But I finally had someone who "cared" about me. You can't possibly think I would just let that go. I know you pretend to have no heart and no emotions but I fucking know that isn't true. I know you're hurting and all I ever wanted to do was help you. I tried to help you but you pushed me away and shut me out. Sure, call me a bitch, a slut, a whore, a child, an idiot, worthless, insignificant, a nobody, an emo freak, I don't care what you call me. I care about you. I never stopped caring about you. Even now I wonder "Did I hurt him? What did I do? I'm sorry. I never meant to be your pain. Please forgive me. I bet I made him hurt himself. It's my fault he's so sad." You're fed up with me, I get it. Just answer me one thing...

    Why? Why do you feel the need to hurt me? I understand you're full-on sadistic, I get that, but you take it to the extremes. And what ever happened to trust? Every word you said was a lie. I know deep inside, you are a beautiful, considerate, loving person, but you hide it. I respect that. No one can take advantage of you this way. No one can hurt you when you don't feel. Maybe I should be like you. I've always envied your incredible strength. How have you gone so long without breaking, given the life you've lived? You had it worse, and I've already attempted suicide. That amazes me.

    Oh dear, I'm so sorry, I'm bitching again. Oh, please forgive me, Master. I didn't mean to. Sometimes, I have to spill my emotions. I mean...I go without saying anything to anyone. My deepest secrets. Only you. It's only ever been you. I put every ounce of my trust into you. All you ever did was break me. Yeah, I guess I must love you too to have dealt with everything you've thrown at me. Like ignoring me for half a year. Going away every summer. Insulting me on a daily basis. It will never end. Every time, you say it will never happen again, but it does. You lied. Every time. I'd like to dedicate the song "Face Down" by The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Whenever I hear it I think of you.

    I guess that's it then. This is the end of the road for us? After everything we've been through? I thought that you cared. I was wrong this whole time.

                                                                                                                                    Yours truly, 
                                                                                                                                       Sunshine

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Featured

Come back... by DemonLordDestinote, journal

Sunshine by DemonLordDestinote, journal

Letter to No One by DemonLordDestinote, journal